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Dinner and nighttime revelation

I was at dinner last night with my cousin Laura and her husband. She asked about a ring I was wearing I mentioned that I had bought it myself, for myself, on my birthday that I had stopped waiting for a man to buy me pretty jewelry. As I sat there talking to them to dinner and thinking; then later as I laid in bed drifting off to sleep I realized something, it wasn’t that I was waiting for a man or someone special too buy me a ring, or other jewelry, it was that I was waiting for somebody to give that jewelry meaning and a memory. And I realized as I looked at that Claddagh ring death by purchasing that ring for myself I had given it more meaning and a different memory then anybody giving me that ring could have ever given it.

I had turn 48 years old in November Karma it was the worst birthday since May 21st. I was 48 unpublished author and not a mother. The only thing I ever wanted growing up was to be a mother I got married at 19 to be a mother, and that never happened then when I got divorced I didn’t want to bring a child into my life without somebody else there. As a child of a single-parent home the last thing I wanted to do, bring a child into a single parent home. I’m not saying a single parent can’t do a wonderful job, I know they can’t my mother did, but I didn’t think I could and I thought a child deserves two parents not one. And being halfway through menopause I knew that my time was over for being a parent. So I had a very rough week that month. But then I moved on and I found a strength that I didn’t realize I was missing. I thought I had my strength, surviving 21 years on my own, with no family in Las Vegas, but I found a different reserve – a different type of strength – that that week that month. I am who I am because of everything that has led me to this point in my life. My failed marriage, my failed relationship after that, and all the ones that came after later, being here in Vegas for 21 years homeless to renter to finally a homeowner. And I like me. I might be fat, I might have my quirks, but they’re my quirks and it’s my weight, and I am who I am and I have discovered I don’t care, I don’t give a damn, what anybody else thinks. I don’t give a damn what anybody else says, I love me and that is all that matters in this world.

This is just something I wanted to get out there to write down so that is something I can look back on later and remind myself that I love me. That I don’t give a damn what anybody else thinks of me.

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